Emotional Intelligence Is Your Real Superpower

Why Emotional Regulation Is Everything

We’ve all experienced moments where our emotions take the wheel. A coworker makes a dismissive comment or a supervisor piles on unrealistic demands and we feel it instantly in our body. Or perhaps one of our kids is pushing every-single-button we have, and the stress becomes unbearable.

I remember one such day so clearly. I was working from home with my 7-year-old and 5-year-old. My older child was in a particularly spicy mood and no matter how many gentle parenting strategies I tried, I could feel my composure slipping. Despite my attempts to calm myself down: deep breathing, counting inside my head, redirecting myself to maintain composure, my heart rate climbed. My voice rose, even as I knew I didn’t want it to. I was fully aware I was starting to escalate this conflict, but couldn’t seem to help myself.

And then, my 5-year-old, who had been quietly observing the emotional tug-of-war between me and their sibling, said something that stopped me in my tracks:

“You know, Mommy, a child’s brain isn’t fully developed until we’re 25 years old. They’re doing the best they can.”

I melted. In that moment, my young child offered me the perspective shift I needed to find the emotional regulation I had been struggling to maintain (in this case: compassion). I realized I was expecting my eldest child to be able to do something I was struggling with myself: have the emotional intelligence to not only perceive, use, and understand emotions in real-time, but to manage and handle those emotions to create what I wanted (peace, calm, connection). In this example, I was fully aware of what emotions I was having, I just couldn’t access the shift to handling and managing those emotions enough to be intentional about creating the connection I wanted.

That’s the power of emotional intelligence: the ability to recognize when we’re triggered and intentionally choose how to respond, rather than automatically react. This is what separates good leaders from great ones at home, in business, and in life.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

As women advancing our careers and businesses while also leading families and households, we know how important it is to stay composed, have confidence, and maintain commitment, even when it feels impossible. Yet we are managing the constant pressure of deadlines (from the kids’ school and our own work), endless inquiries from children and clients, and precious few moments of solitude or relaxation.

The overwhelm and stress of managing all-the-things can easily make those ideal traits become difficult to access.

Under stress, composure may be replaced by a frazzled, chaotic energy at work and at home. Confidence can give way to second-guessing, decision fatigue, and paralysis. Our commitment can waver and we start questioning why we’re even trying so hard to keep it all together. Sometimes it can feel like the insecure 13-year-old version of ourselves is running the show, or maybe it’s the frightened 5-year-old, or the overwhelmed teenager. When our emotional intelligence doesn’t match the demands we place on ourselves as parents and professionals, we can't show up as our best selves.

Herein lies the importance of growing our emotional intelligence (EI). The American Psychological Association defines emotional intelligence as “the ability to process emotional information and use it in reasoning and other cognitive activities.” In short, having EI is being able to correctly perceive and recognize how we are feeling in real-time and use the information to then regulate our emotions to promote growth and well-being. So how do we harness the power of EI? How do we hone the skill of being able to perceive, use, understand, manage and handle emotions?

The Three Core Components to Strengthen Emotional Intelligence: Awareness, Intention, and Compassion

The first core component of emotional intelligence is awareness. We can’t shift what we can’t see. Developing awareness helps us identify the moments when we’re triggered, tune into the physical signals our body sends under stress, and uncover the beliefs that drive our reactions.

Awareness of Triggers

Triggers are deeply personal and often rooted in past experiences. They can also be situational and shift depending on the quality of our health or sleep and emotional capacity. Research in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) shows that identifying the patterns that serve as our triggers is the first step toward creating new neural pathways for how we respond. When we recognize what sets us off, we can reclaim our ability to respond with intention rather than react on default.

Awareness of Physical Sensations

Our bodies often register stress before our minds do. As described in polyvagal theory and somatic psychology research, paying attention to heart rate, muscle tension, shallow breathing, or a tight stomach allows us to intercept emotional dysregulation early. These signals can become an early warning that can help us transition back toward emotional balance.

Awareness of Beliefs

Underneath every strong emotional response is a belief (often an unchecked subconscious thought) that’s driving our reaction. These beliefs can be about our worth, our safety, or our need to be seen. Awareness here allows us to examine whether our beliefs are serving or sabotaging us.

The second core element is intention. Who do you want to be in that stressful moment? What kind of leader, colleague, or parent are you working to become? Setting a clear intention is like creating an internal guidebook.

Decide in Advance

Don’t wait until you’re already in a stressful situation to figure out how you want to respond. In moments of stress, we’re often operating from the reptilian brain, the part of our nervous system wired for fight, flight, or freeze. By deciding in advance how we want to show up (e.g., “I will practice patience during the morning rush to get out of the house”), we engage our prefrontal cortex, the critical thinking brain, and can create a plan that aligns with who we want to become.

Set a Reasonable Intention

Set yourself up for success by being reasonable with expectations. “I will be calm all the time” isn’t realistic. Instead, create a sustainable plan by using specific and actionable strategies:

“I will take three deep breaths before responding.”
“I will speak with firmness and kindness.”
“I am going to pause before I say yes to anything.”

Practice During Calm Moments

Like any skill, becoming more intentional requires practice. Don’t wait for the high-stress presentation or Target store toddler meltdown to start practicing emotional regulation. Rehearse your intentions during low-stakes moments so they become second nature when it really counts. Think of it as training your emotional muscle memory.

Lastly, strengthening emotional intelligence requires compassion. True self-leadership includes holding space for all parts of ourselves: the frightened 5-year-old, the unsure and hesitant 13-year-old, the impulsive teenager, and the composed, confident, committed version of you who is reading this right now. Compassion allows us to meet our present-day selves without judgment, to acknowledge that we’re doing the best we can with the tools we currently have. It allows space for trial and error, for failures to be re-frames, and for those “less than ideal mom moments” with our 7-year-old to become spaces to reconnect and grow.

When we actively cultivate awareness, intention, and compassion, we strengthen our emotional intelligence with every conversation, every challenge, and every choice. These aren’t just skills for managing stress, they are tools for transforming how we relate to ourselves and the world around us.

Whether leading a team, a business, or a family, emotional intelligence is the foundation. When rooted in self-awareness, guided by clear intention, and grounded in compassion, emotional intelligence is the key to not only leading others, but lovingly leading ourselves.

More about Dr. Valerie

Before founding her coaching practice, Dr. Valerie Steele spent over two decades in healthcare, education, and leadership development. Today, she blends that expertise with boots-on-the-ground experience as a mother to help women lead with clarity and compassion at home, in their careers, and within themselves.

Valerie works with ambitious mothers and professionals juggling careers, businesses, and parenting, guiding them toward lives that feel as good on the inside as they look on the outside.

Valerie believes women shouldn’t have to white-knuckle their way through motherhood, which can be particularly challenging for those navigating parenting Gifted and ADD children. With insight into both the emotional and practical demands her clients face, Valerie supports intentional, compassionate shifts that foster connection and confidence at home and at work, and leave women feeling more grounded, confident, and in control.

My vision is to help mothers embrace a parenting style that honors their family’s unique needs while prioritizing their own well-being, so they can show up as the confident, fulfilled, and connected moms they strive to be.